高校時代、専門学校時代、そして社会人になってから。どのステージにおいてもこの人みたいになれたら絶対人生楽しいだろうな。悩みや苦労を感じることなく生きられるだろうな。
そんな思いを幾度となく感じてきた。しかしながらその人たちもやはり何かに悩んでいるし苦労をしている。それは言葉として出たり行動として出たりする。
これほどの物を手にしてなんでそんなに思い悩むことがあるのだろうかと思ったりする。欲望というのはどこまで登り詰めたとしても消えないのだろう。
自分の人生の中でこの人みたいになりたい！という人は常に存在している。それは今の自分に満足していないとも言える。
しかしながらもしかすると誰かにとっての憧れの存在は自分かもしれない。
今回は自分にとっての憧れの存在の人にまつわるお話をしていきたい。
高校時代の憧れの存在
高校時代、ハンドボール部だった自分は同じポジションのレギュラーであり、チームの得点源、高い運動能力を誇るチームメイトに憧れていた。
ミスはほぼしない、監督からの信頼も厚くチームに欠かせない存在だった。
これだけハンドボールが上手かったら部活は絶対に楽しいだろうなと思っていた。
それでも「今日も部活か。しんどいな」と毎日のように言っていたし雨が降って練習時間が短くなれば嬉しがっていた。
何がそんなに辛く苦しかったのかは分からないがその立場になってみないと分からないものがある。
いくら上手とはいえ部活をするよりもゲームをしたりカラオケに行ったりする方が楽しいのは紛れもない事実だ。
勝敗が存在する、優劣がつけられるというのはそれだけで大きな負担となる。
周りからのプレッシャーを感じていたのかもしれないし、ある一定の時間拘束されるというのがストレスだったのかもしれない。
チームの中では№1の存在だったが県総体は3年連続初戦敗退のチームだった。
他のチームとの差を感じながらプレーしていたのかもしれないし彼は他のチームの誰かのようになりたいと思っていたのかもしれない。
専門学校時代の憧れの存在
専門学校時代も自分にとっての憧れの存在の人がいた。
3年間学年１位で居続けたクラスメイト
努力している姿も苦労している姿も全く表に出さない。
本当に勉強しているの？という雰囲気しかなかった。
ちなみに本人は「ベッドで仰向けになって教科書を読んでいる。気になるところがあればパソコン使ってちょっと調べるくらいしかしていない」と話していた。
それなのに
・テストをするたびに満点
・ノートはびっしりと綺麗にまとめられている
・しまいには先生の方から質問される
ああやって話していたがあの話を丸ごと鵜呑みにするのもまた違うのだろうなと思う。
先生たちは試験があるたびにそのクラスメイトに満点を取らさない問題を作ることに全力を尽くしていた。
それなのにその人が間違っている問題があればもしかして問題の出し方が悪かったのではないか？先生が作った解答の方が間違っているのではないかと不安になるほどであった。
努力しているという感覚はないのだろう。本当の天才だと当時の自分は感じていた。
自分がゲームをしたりYouTubeを見たりするような感覚で勉強をしていたのかもしれない。
成績上位になって感じたこと
1度自分も成績上位になったことがある。確か約40名いる中で4位になった。と記憶している。
いつもは8位～10位くらいの真ん中より少し上の順位だった。
そこから一気に順位をあげてここから落ちたくないという思いがものすごく強くなった。
・皆が上の順位を目指している
・上の順位にいる人たちは常に追われる立場にある
・追われる立場はとても苦しいな
上位になってみてそんな思いをとても強く感じた。
結局自分はその順位を守り抜くことは出来なかった。
あのプレッシャーと3年間戦い続けていたと考えると物凄い精神力だ。
それをプレッシャーと感じずにいれたのであれば尚更だ。
自分に絶対的な自信があった時期のお話
高校時代、専門学校時代、そして今。大きな不安、悩み、苦労と隣り合わせの日々を送っているが、そんなものが一切存在しなかった時期が自分にもあった。
その時期は専門学校の最後の1年間
国試が刻一刻と近づいてきていたが悩みや不安は一切なし。勉強においても苦労することはなかった。
成績が特別秀でたわけでも誰にも負けない技術力があったわけでもない。にもかかわらず自分に絶対的な自信があった。
なぜだったのだろうか？
自分の思い描く成功がほぼ約束されていたから
これに尽きる。
当時思い描いていた成功とは鍼灸国家試験合格
これに関して言えば3年生に上がった時点で十分に合格ラインに来ていた。先生からもまず間違いなくクリアできると言われた。
就活もスムーズに行き、3年の4月の時点で内定が出た。
・国家試験合格がほぼ約束されていた
・早々と内定を頂くことが出来た
この2つ大きな自信につながった。
成功がほぼ確実に見えている中で何かに取り組むということは楽しいものだ。
不安になる時は成功が目に見えない時、失敗がすぐそこにある時なのだろうなと当時の経験から思う。
これからの自分の生き方を考える
専門学校時代の最後の1年間のような生き方をずっとしていきたい。
成功がほぼ100％約束されている世界で生きるのは非現実的だとは思うし、楽しくないだろうという人もいるかもしれない。
でもそれを1度経験したからこそもう一度あの感覚で人生を歩みたい。
無敵になって何も怖くない感覚だった。
専門学校の3年間すべてが楽しかったわけではない。1年生の時は絶望的な成績からのスタートだった。2年生の時はコロナの襲来によって授業すらまともに受けることのできない日が続いた。
そういう苦労を乗り越えたからこそ最後の1年は自信をもって楽しく思うがままに過ごすことができた
あの時のような生き方をするためにはもう少し失敗や苦労が必要だと思う。
そこから絶対に逃げてはならない。
それを乗り越えた先に待っているものを掴み取りに行きたい。
1度掴み取って手放したからこそもう一度掴み取りたい。
悩み、苦労はあるかもしれないがそこに対しての不安は一切感じなくなる。
努力をすれば解決できることが分かっているから。そしてその努力を楽しむことが出来るから。
誰かにとっての憧れの存在になりたいか
正直自分にはあまり欲望はないのでそう思うことはない。周りからよく思われようが悪く思われようが常に自分に集中した人生を送りたい。
ただ自分に子供が出来た時。その時は自分が子供にとっての憧れの存在でありたい。
お父さんのようになりたい。お父さんのような生き方をしたいと言われてみたい。
自分の子供だなんてまだ存在しないものなのに。存在するかどうかも分からないのに何でここまで思い描けるのかは自分には分からない。
ただ自分にとって家族とはそれほど大切な存在なのだろう。
まとめ
今ある自分の思いと考えをつらつらと書いてみた。今後の人生に対する期待が膨らんだような気がする。
そして今は不安や悩みと向き合い続ける日々だがその時間が今は絶対に必要なのだと感じた。それを受け入れ逃げずに向き合っていきたい
時間を経て読み返したときにどんな思いを抱くのだろうか。
ちょっと恥ずかしいなと思うかもしれないな。
また何年かたってから読み返そうと思う。
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